Nervous

Monday of this week I was given the thumbs up on switching from my catheter to my fistula at dialysis. Today will be the first time we try the fistula. Now the way this stuff works is that there are two ports... one outty and one inny. Until now both of my ports are via the catheter, which has been surgically connected to the base of my neck or upper chest if you will. When the fistula is fully functioning it will mean that two needles will enter my arm on each dialysis day, but as we start the process today they will use just one needle as the outty and keep the catheter as the inny.

These needles are not as tiny as the needle used to draw blood at the blood lab. In fact they're quite large as you can see in this photo.

(click here to listen to the song running through my head today)

Today they'll use one of the "smaller" needles to start me out because we need to work up to the larger size and we're using just one for the same reason... we need to work up to two. I've been told these needles hurt. I've been given three options.

1. apply a cream to my arm about an hour before dialysis that will numb the area they insert the needle. For some reason they require you to then wrap your arm in plastic wrap afterwards... perhaps to prevent it from getting onto other parts of your skin and numbing those areas.
2. use a spray that numbs the area just before getting the needle. I'm told this hurts more than the needle.
3. suck it up... grin and bear it.

I'm not too keen on any of these solutions but for today I'm trying option three so I can judge the kind of pain we're talking about. 

I hate needles. I can't watch the needles being inserted when I have blood drawn. The idea of something entering my body just freaks me right out. Now knowing that I'm going to have a large diameter needle pierce my skin, I have to admit, has me a bit scared.

They tell me it will be about two more weeks at least before they can remove the catheter. The short term goal here is to do whatever needs to be done to get this catheter out of me. This is what I will focus on as I feel the pain of that needle puncturing my arm today and for the next few visits as they increase the size and the number of needles to two. Not sure I'll be able to use the grin and bear it method beyond today... the cream may be my eventual solution. But who in their right mind would choose the spray after they've been told it hurts more than the needles.

My name is Bil... and I'm nervous for the first time since this whole thing started.