From Denial To Dialysis

I'm quite aware of the stages of loss or grief. In my life I've experienced these stages on several occasions, although none in regards to death. I've also witnessed my wife going through these stages in regards to her mother's death in 2005. It's fascinating how these same stages present themselves throughout the periods of acceptance of any grief or loss. Even in our awareness of these stages... we can't deny them.

I was diagnosed with kidney disease in 2009 and while I've never much thought about the reality that this is a serious and potentially life threatening charge... in some kinda surreal way I can see that even now I work daily through these stages. For those unfamiliar of what I'm talking about, the stages of loss include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance.

Denial is the plane I live on most days. I don't feel sick.. so how can I be sick. Actually I've been quite sick over the last few years but the symptoms are not those of a person with early stage kidney disease... and my focus was on trying to move beyond that sickness... which even now remains officially un-diagnosed. It's possible I've finally moved beyond whatever that was I was going through... although I won't be able to say for certain until an equal period of time passes where I don't feel those symptoms as has passed since first experiencing them.

What I also find interesting about humans is our ability to forget the pain. If we couldn't forget the pain then women would never have more than one child, right? And while I can acknowledge that I've had a crazy four years of headaches and vomiting I mostly just want to forget about that now and try to live in the here and now... especially during the days and hours where I feel up to being alive and enjoying life... although I have to admit to moments of weakness where death is a welcome respite to the constant rallying.

Back to the kidney disease and the stages of grief. I know because the doctors tell me so, that I'm approaching the end of my kidneys ability to clean the toxins from my blood and that this will in fact lead to my death unless I go on dialysis or have a kidney transplant in the very near future... I suspect I have about two weeks before the doctors will tell me we can't put it off any longer... that dialysis is inevitable.

Over the last several months I've been doing everything I can to convince my nephrologist (a kidney doctor) that we need to put this off a little longer... that we haven't done the science... couldn't it be the blood pressure meds causing the problem.. couldn't it be the large quantities of citrus juice that I've been drinking that's raised my potassium levels... shouldn't we give a few more months.. weeks.. days... I've been bargaining with my doctor.

I'm not sure I can cite any particular examples of anger although I had recently hit a wall in my patience in regards to the other symptoms I was experiencing and I kinda blew up at my doctor and I recall a day recently where I went off on a bit of a diatribe on Facebook over the general state of modern health care. Perhaps my pent up anger was released through those episodes.

Depression is often hard to notice until you're pretty deep down in the well... so I'm not sure if I've been depressed recently either... perhaps the moments where I catch myself slightly teary eyed pondering the potential that I might not see Charly and Annie graduate from high school.. college... marry and have children. I like to think of it as part of the preparations I need to go through in the event that this doesn't go as well as I hope it will. There's that denial again.

My name is Bil... and I have kidney disease