The Lone Wolf Has Feelings Too

I build walls. Not real walls.. I build those emotional walls that prevent me from getting hurt. Its a dysfunction that I've allowed myself to embrace to keep my heart safe from any real heart ache. I haven't always built walls.. but I learned to build them in response to the heart aches of my youth.

When I'm alone I watch movies that make me a little teary eyed so I can let the walls down for a few moments and experience a release of emotion. When I see a friend express sadness or concern on facebook  I often let myself feel their pain and try to offer words of compassion and strength... but in the real world I have a hard time doing that in person... because it might reveal a weakness.. a crack in the wall... and they might take advantage of it and I can't let them see the true Bil. I work to keep up my lone wolf persona.

I love human emotions and I truly enjoy the experience of all of them. I like the sadness as much as the joy and I've cried tears at both ends of the spectrum. I like jealousy, but never feel a hateful jealousy... for me its always more of an awe or appreciation for the person of whom I feel the jealousy.. I'm always disappointed when I hear about those who have committed horrific events in the name of hateful jealousy... but I get it... I understand how moving emotions can be and how they can make us want to act or react in a way that is extreme to our normal.

Guilt is an interesting human emotion. Its been a while since I've felt any serious guilt. I mean I regularly feel small doses of guilt... like when I tell my kids that I need them to give me some space for something I'm doing... when all they wanted to do was spend a little time with me. Or when I yell at them for something dumb that happened and I snap before thinking about the reality of the situation. But I'm feeling a new guilt that I haven't known before. and this is the real point of today's post.

There's a little heart on my drivers license... it's there to let people know that I'm an organ donor. I've always thought that if I died and my organs could be used to save another's life then I would want exactly that to happen. But here I am today in need of an organ. A kidney. And all of us has two but only need one to survive. I need someone to either step up and give up one of theirs for me or I need someone else to die and be an organ donor that matches my make up well enough that I can receive one of their kidneys. And this is filling me with amazing guilt. Why didn't I step up and offer one of my kidneys 20 years ago... before I got kidney disease? Just because I didn't know a single person out of the 100,000 in need of a kidney is no excuse for allowing even one of them to die while waiting too long for one of their own... so what gives me the right to ask for another's kidney to keep me alive. And now that I'm tainted... can I even donate my organs in death? will the meds that I need to go on ruin my ability to donate to another?

I've heard, but can't confirm that several have stepped up to the plate to see if they're potential donors and I appreciate all of you who have (and I feel no resentment for any who haven't)... and I hope that this all works out so that I'll get a living donor's kidney. But I'm also secretly (not a secret anymore) hoping that I'll end up being one of those with a donor that doesn't match me but matches someone else so that we can have a paired donation... and at least one other person will get a kidney because you all stepped up for me. Or maybe of the several of you who step up for me... one or two or even more will feel similar to how I'm feeling right now... and allow one of their kidneys to go to a stranger who might otherwise die while waiting on a 3-5 year waiting list for a cadaver kidney that never came. Maybe then this guilt will subside.

My name is Bil... and I have kidney disease.